diet foods

Dude Diets: Five Foods That Will Mess You Up

So you’re a dude on a diet, and as embarrassing as it was to tell your buddies you couldn’t chow down on burgers and pound a 12-pack of Stella Artois last week, you’re committed to the decision. You’re going to get healthy, even if that means eating like a bunny rabbit with a thyroid disorder.

The problem is that most dudes – that means you, dude – just don’t know everything there is to know about food. It’s not really your fault. Actually, it probably is your fault, or at least your mother’s, father’s, health teacher’s or doctor’s fault, but let’s not worry about who to blame, okay?

In reality, it’s nearly impossible to know everything about what’s available to eat unless you’ve studied food like it’s your job. With more and more prepared food choices available, even knowing what you’re actually eating is getting harder.

Guys on a diet would do well to avoid certain foods like the fucking plague though. When you see them, run screaming toward your supply of organic, locally-grown, grass-fed, friendly farm-raised protein bars instead.


 What do you mean I can’t have donuts? Donuts are everywhere! Donuts are delicious! What about bacon donuts?

I can practically hear you go through the various stages of grief over losing your donuts. If you could get through that screen, you’d probably bargain with me to try and keep the raspberry filled ones at least. They’ve got fruit, right? I’ll check the comments section later, dude.


The answer is no. No no no. You can’t keep your donuts. I know you want to, but the fact is that the average donut packs somewhere between 200 and 500 calories, and let’s face it, you’re not ordering the tiny donuts and eating half, so probably more like 500, right?

Pair that 500 calories with nearly 50 grams of sugar and you’ve wrecked your diet for a whole day. If you’re trying to cut 500 calories a day for more substantial weight loss, one donut that you ate in about, uh, 20 seconds, is going to cost you big time.

Even if you’re a donut-crazed lunatic, a regular Homer Simpson – not the one from The Day of the Locust ­– you need to cut ‘em out. If you absolutely must have one or you’ll die by your own hand, at least limit yourself to one per week.

Even better would be limiting yourself to one every two weeks.

French Fries

 You son of a bitch, why are you trying to take away everything I love!? Don’t you have any mercy?

I  hear you dude, but French fries are going to wreck your body, and if your body is already wrecked, you’re not going to do yourself any favors chowing down on these babies. In fact, much like that donut, one serving could pretty much put on the diet brakes for a whole day.

Potatoes are incredibly high on the glycemic index, meaning they’re basically pure sugar. Once you deep fry them and cover them in salt, they’re basically Satan’s side dish.

Since they’re typically fried at high temperatures, French fries are also a known carcinogen because they contain acrylamide. Do you want to eat anything that sounds like it closely resembles acrylic?

Sure you do! But should you? Probably not, dude.

Shark Meat

Shark meat? Shark meat? Well shit buddy, I can go without eating shark meat for the rest of my damn life!

You’re welcome! After taking away your donuts and French fries, I thought it might be time to throw you a softball. There it is in the form of shark meat.

As terrible as sharks are, and as much as you might want to turn the tables and take a bite out of Jaws just for laughs, shark meat has, pretty much, the highest mercury level in the world. That’s likely because they eat schools of tiny fish that are basically mercury magnets.

 Along with shark meat, other fish including king mackerel, tilefish and swordfish should be avoided. Skipping these foods isn’t so much about fat as it is the fact that you’ll feel so shitty after you eat them that you won’t want to go to the gym for a week.

Don’t sharks just suck when they’re not on TV?


What is this man, the 1950s? Who the hell eats margarine?

Margarine may not be on every dinner table anymore, but a lot of guys looking to slim down assume it’s a better choice than butter without doing the research. Butter and margarine both contain about 100 calories per tablespoon though.

The real issue with margarine is the trans-fat explosion in your body when you eat the stuff. We all know how shitty trans-fats are, so stocking up on margarine is definitely not the way to go.

If you must, use real butter instead. It’s got more nutrients and good fats, though olive oil is a better all-around choice.

Peanut Butter

 Peanut butter, really? My personal trainer eats peanut butter with his big monster fingers right out of the tub and he’s ripped! Why no peanut butter?

It might be a little controversial to say, but peanut butter really isn’t your best friend when you’re on a diet. Sure, it’s got some protein, contains healthy fats and it’s convenient. All of those are excellent qualities in food.

The problem with peanut butter is the massive number of calories that it contains and how easy it is to overeat the stuff. Just one tablespoon of peanut butter contains around 100 calories. If you buy that sugary shit because it’s what you like or all you can get in your area, your brand probably contains closer to 150 calories per tablespoon.

When was the last time you used one tablespoon of peanut butter for a PB&J? Or ate one stick of celery with peanut butter?

It might be delicious, but peanut butter can easily to turn a healthy 250 calories snack into a 1,000 calorie bomb that will blow up your diet.


So you’re on a diet and you’re living in hell. Now you can’t have any donuts or shark meat. Didn’t you already know that you shouldn’t be eating donuts on a diet?

Here’s the good news – your body will adjust to not having all that stuff that you ate like a gross pig before. It might take a week to switch from donuts to dark chocolate, but once your body adjusts, you might even feel better.

You don’t have to give up donuts forever, but when you’re really trying to slim down, cutting problematic foods like donuts and fries out can help you get control of your cravings. Once that happens you can eat these foods once in a very blue moon with pleasure and restraint.

What a refined, handsome man they’ll say!