Don’t Do CrossFit, Bro!
Your favorite coffee shop, the place where you used to get your morning pick-me-up, has turned into a CrossFit Studio. If it’s not your favorite coffee shop, it’s that yoga studio where all the good-looking women used to hang out. No matter where you go these days, you can hardly walk 100 feet in any direction without stumbling upon a bunch of bros and babes working out like meth heads.
The worst part is that your buddies are probably doing CrossFit too. If they’re not, they’re thinking about it because some “ripped guy at the office” or “totally hot chick” told them to.
If you’re already in the CrossFit cult, we’re not going to try and tell you to stop. You’ve consumed the Kool-Aid and taken your vow of idiocy. You’d be smart to quit now, but you probably won’t.
Guys on the fence though, you’ve still got time to skip the insanity and bull$*@! that is CrossFit. Keep reading to learn more about why you should say not to CrossFit.
You’re Going to Get Hurt
When you tell people that doing CrossFit is going to get them hurt, they look at you like you’re crazy. It’s exercise, and that’s supposed to make you stronger, right? Obviously they’ve never heard the horror stories of separated shoulders and serious neck and back injuries.
A recent study published by the Journal of Strength and Conditioning Research found that 73% of CrossFit participants surveyed were injured so bad they had to skip work, stop training or miss an important competition. Yes, people actually compete at CrossFit. Of those surveyed, nearly 10% needed surgery!
If you were going skydiving and they told you there was a 73% chance of your parachute not opening, would you still get on the plane?
But I’m In Great Shape!
Okay, so let’s say that you’re in amazing shape. You’re practically a pro athlete. You slam dunk over cars and the only reason you’re not playing pro is because your other career took off first.
The problem with CrossFit is that many, many of the people who take it up are in really great shape too, and they’re a huge portion of that 73% that’s getting hurt all over the damn world!
CrossFit doesn’t injure people because they can’t handle it. CrossFit injures people because the workout is all wrong.
Fast or Good: You Can’t Have Both
The number one problem with CrossFit is that the whole thing is about speed instead of form. Doing dead lifts? Why not crank out 35 in under a minute? Fuck your back!
Got a set of kettlebells? Swing ’em over your head 90 times in a row while a trance beat blasts in your face. To hell with your neck!
Maybe you’re laughing, but those examples aren’t far from the truth. CrossFit is all about speed and going for the gusto, not doing the movements properly.
In fact, most people report that they get less than five minutes of instruction when they’re learning an exercise. Yeah, that’s definitely enough time to learn proper form for Olympic lifts with huge amounts of weight.
You’re totally not going to tear anything!
People Will Think You’re Stupid
That heading might sound harsh, but it’s the truth. If you walk around telling people that you do CrossFit, anybody who knows better is going to think you’re a damn idiot. If you happen to work with or know any smart people, you’re signing in for gasps, eye-rolls and serious laughter immediately following your first session.
If you don’t mind people mocking you and you just can’t stand being healthy for another fucking day, CrossFit is for sure the way to go.
Your Trainer Will Also Be Stupid
If you do CrossFit, people will tell you that it’s stupid, and by extension, that you’re an idiot. What could be worse than that? A trainer that’s a damn fool too.
Seriously, when you sign up for CrossFit, you’ll be getting a leader that’s proud of his self-inflicted injuries, including the ones he probably got trying to do 30 Olympic lifts in 15 seconds.
Welcome to CrossFit!
There Are Better Options
Instead of going to CrossFit and having Dr. Dumbass as your pack leader, why not hire a trainer to show you the ropes and get you on the right track? They’ll be able to help with proper form and develop a workout routine that fits your goals, not the goals of a rabid group of exercise freaks.
You’ll also get a better workout and you won’t get fired when you call in sick after your fifth CrossFit injury. Your boss doesn’t want you to be an idiot either.
Can’t afford a trainer you say? You only need a few sessions to get the basics and build up a decent routine. That’s going to be a whole lot less than that six-month package of CrossFit sessions they’ll talk you into at the studio.
CrossFit is everywhere, but just because other people are jumping off a bridge doesn’t mean you should too. Sure, there’s a chance you could land in the water unscathed, but if 73% of people get hurt, that bridge is one best avoided altogether.
Whenever one of your friends decide they want to get in on the CrossFit craze, repeat this one phrase to them over and over again.
Don’t do CrossFit, bro. Don’t do CrossFit, bro.